Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids: The Power of Validation
When our children misbehave, it’s natural to want to correct them and explain why their actions are unacceptable. However, research suggests that this approach may not be the most effective way to promote positive change. According to psychologist Caroline Fleck, author of the upcoming book “Validation,” listening and affirming our children’s emotions can be a game-changer.
The Limits of Scolding
Scolding and lecturing may temporarily stop the unwanted behavior, but it can also lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy in our children. When we focus solely on correcting their actions, we risk invalidating their emotions, which can have long-term negative consequences. Children who are consistently shamed or belittled may develop low self-esteem, become withdrawn, or even act out more aggressively.
The Validation Approach
So, what’s the alternative? Fleck advocates for a validation approach, where parents acknowledge and accept their child’s emotions, rather than dismissing or judging them. This doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior, but rather recognizing that our children’s feelings are real and deserving of respect. By doing so, we create a safe space for them to open up and explore their emotions, making them more receptive to guidance and correction.
A Real-Life Example
Fleck practices what she preaches with her own children. When her daughter refused to do her chores, Fleck didn’t scold or punish her. Instead, she asked her daughter to explain why she was upset, listening attentively to her response. By acknowledging her daughter’s frustration and validating her emotions, Fleck was able to strip the conversation of judgment and focus on the importance of fulfilling responsibilities.
The Difference Between Guilt and Shame
Sociologist Adam Galinsky notes that guilt and shame are two distinct emotions with different outcomes. Guilt can motivate children to find solutions and make amends, whereas shame can lead to avoidance and low self-esteem. By decoupling our children’s feelings from their behavior, we can help them develop a sense of guilt that encourages positive change, rather than debilitating shame.
Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids
By adopting a validation approach, we can raise emotionally intelligent kids who are better equipped to navigate life’s challenges. When we listen to and affirm our children’s emotions, we teach them that their feelings are valid and deserving of respect. This, in turn, helps them develop critical thinking skills, empathy, and a stronger sense of self. So, the next time your child misbehaves, try taking a step back, listening to their concerns, and validating their emotions. You might be surprised at the positive impact it can have on their behavior and well-being.
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